Saturday, June 11, 2011

Revelation

It's a little after midnight and I am back in a very familiar setting. After months of not writing I found myself staring at the blinking cursor on the top left of a blank screen. See, this always happens. I jump at the opportunity to negate someone when he/she give any opinion on anything. I find myself diving into an hour long debate and dragging them down with me. Best part is, more often than not I could not care less about what the topic is. Better yet, I find even more pleasure in arguing against someone who shares my opinion.

I digress. The ironic thought that I wanted to mention a "few" words back was that I always have something to say about anything and everything; except when it comes to writing it all down. This made much more sense in my head so I'm going to try and break it up a bit (for my sake more than yours, trust me). I never had a problem expressing myself, nor have I had any issues in finding the right combination of words to be able to get myself out of (or into, on a more morbid note) anything. Problem is, when it comes to me wanting to have a daily journal or something along those lines, nothing seems to come out. I envy those who sit and write their daily events and conquests. I tried that oh so many times but to no avail.

In order for one to be able to nurture his/her sense of achievemnt

I've been feeling my frustration, anger, and intolerance building up again. My relief options are being crossed off the list by the day. I need a break and I need to leave. The one thing I'm worried about is the aftermath of a break. Things are usually much easier when you have something to look forward to. I have an upcoming trip and the mere thought of it is as energizing as anything could be. Then what? I return and sink into this baron emotionless slow paced gut-wrenching soul exhausting abyss of a routine. Sleep - Work - Gym - Sleep.

I am now convinced more than ever that I need this, I need what I'm doing. I need to have a reference to see where I am years from now and where I was now. I am a slightly arrogant person but then again who isn't. I am far from the worst I've ever seen. There is something missing. There is a thirst that I'm dying to quench but the difficult part is knowing what it is. I am sick and tired of the useless godforsaken advice everyone keeps throwing at my face. Prioritize, fill-up your time, find something to do. Yea well I am doing all these things. I am capitalizing all my free time but for all the wrong reasons. I started boxing again.I'm working out. I'm doing non-work related projects. I'm socializing more. That sounds great on paper but why I'm doing those things is something I don't know. I don't know why I picked a sport that completely shattered my nose that I can hardly use my nostrils anymore but I do it, and quite frankly, I have never had more of a passion for anything. I don't workout to be healthy I'm doing it because it is the safest way of getting all the anger out. I'm not socializing because I have this need in me to be around people. All of these things I use to completely eradicate every second of free time I have because free time means thinking about a lot of things which is I'm trying to avoid. I keep convincing myself that me being here is me doing the right, smart, and mature thing. I'm not really thinking of the future or whatever it holds. I'm living it day by day which is completely hypocritical to the reasoning behind me being here.

I don't know what it is but what I do know is that I need to do something drastic so I don't fall back in the same havoc wreaking reckless spiral I was in when I first came here. Actually, I think being here helped me out in a few manners. For starters, I am forced to learn how to calm down; how to take things lightly. Most of my problems have always been because of my short fuse. I decided to change a lot of things and the reason I never took this decision before is because of my ego. I wasn't ready to decide to change and then when not succeeding hanging up the gloves. It was too large for my pride to swallow. In any case, here I am now with a large project on my hands. Whether I can mold myself into what I think I should be. This conclusion isn't for anyone or to impress anyone; its because I have become far too physically, emotionally, and psychologically tired of being so angry all the time.

No comments:

Post a Comment