It’s been some time since I last wrote here. I had a hundred things I wanted to write but not one of them felt right. I was told an hour ago that a very close relative of an acquaintance of mine had passed away. I don’t really know the person very well but that piece of news shocked me more than I thought possible. I never know how to feel in situations like these. I know how to react and what I’m supposed to do or say, never what to feel. It was as if someone had held my throat and squeezed until my very last breath slowly seeped out. My heart was pounding so slowly I couldn’t tell even with my hand on my chest.
I have been writing and erasing lines for close to 20 minutes now. Just starting at this blank white screen. I’m slowly getting more free time. Things were going great until the last few days. Nothing of any importance minute or major happened. I have come to realize that it is nothing other than a cycle that I keep going through week in and week out. I thought working out is a great way of reducing stress and letting out everything that I usually bottle in. It was working at first, it was working splendidly because it was new. It’s done now. It’s not working for me anymore. I need something new. I need to pick up a habit. Good or bad I don’t really care. I need to find some sort of addiction that could hook me and tie me up for the next month or so. My mind is completely blank and I’m not really attempting to make a point. Okay so here’s what it is. It no longer is an issue of where I am. It has become what where I am made me. Someone who is intolerant. Someone with an even shorter fuse. Someone who is disgustingly unimpressed with anything. I don’t know whether this is going to be something permanent or just for as long as I’m here.
Everything is going by like a dull flashback. No sound. No color. These past 2 days I’ve been waking up with absolutely no motivation to do anything. I ever so enjoy complicating my life by thinking about things that I know will aggravate me. I was almost a somewhat optimistic man. Always see the glass half-full. Always try and find the good thing in whatever happens. This is being slowly taken away. I just do whatever it is I think I NEED to do. Apart from that,,, nothing. I keep thinking to myself, it’s alright, just a couple of weeks and you’ll go on the vacation that’s going to change everything. Who am I kidding. Time is so irrelevant whether I’m here or there. A few weeks for a man on vacation is nothing, a few hours for a man in prison is a lifetime. There is something fundamentally wrong and needs fixing as soon as possible before something even bigger breaks.
I need a motivation. Wait,,, motivation? Why have motivation? For what? Life is all about repetition, in which you need no hope and is contrary. However routine should not be seen as a bad thing, it removes choice, it demolishes free will and with choice and free will comes doubt and with doubt regret and with regret, melancholy. Think of Sisyphus, forever doomed to roll a boulder up a hill, but in the moment when it rolls down he is free. I might have digressed but the point remains. I’m going to try something. As contradictory as it sounds at first, me making those choices to begin with (you’ll get it in a second). I’m going to try and create solid routine that I follow “religiously” (for lack of a better word, I’m not exactly the most dedicated practitioner) and see how that goes. No impulsive out of the schedule actions. If that works well, so be it. If not, I still have every single lifeless intellectually mutilating day here to try other methods.
God bless you.